This is Carter's story.
If you told me even half a year ago if I’d write this post, I’d probably be the first to laugh. As someone that spends most of my time around sports, I’m often seen as someone detached from anything outside of sports. I’ve never been one to express my religious beliefs and I certainly was the furthest away from the LDS church I have ever been in my life a half a year ago. But it was that long ago that I recall standing by the mirror of my apartment bedroom and staring into the face of a complete stranger. I didn’t know what I was doing or who I was anymore. I certainly was no longer the person I used to strive to be. I had accomplished so many of my goals, but still felt empty. I guess it’s when you realize how far away you are from where you want to be that you realize you need to change.
My story may not be exactly like yours, nor may it be in the same ballpark. However, I hope it may lead you to ask the same questions I asked myself when I hit what I describe as my own “rock bottom”— if you are struggling. You may be just fine and searching for more, and I hope you find that regardless of this post.
My name is Carter and I was born into an LDS family and grew up in Rochester, NY, which is roughly 20 miles west of where The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints was restored in the 1800s. I visited all the major restoration sites frequently throughout my childhood. The first temple I ever entered was the Palmyra Temple, which has these awe-inspiring stained glass windows that overlook the Sacred Grove. I’ve been to the Joseph Smith house plenty of times and my family annually attended the Hill Cumorah Pageant in the summer. We went to church; I went to seminary in the early morning (when I actually woke up at 5:30 a.m. for it) before my regular high school routine. I was baptized when I was 8 years old and held some of the priesthood responsibilities by the time I was old enough to. But no matter what, I never really felt connected. Everyone else around me expressed how happy they were with the Church. They shared the happiness it brought them and talked about how they could feel the church was true. I never felt any of it and wondered how it could be. I went to church every week. I went to the temple, went to various church activities and was one of just about a few who didn’t drink in high school. I certainly wasn’t perfect, but I felt I was good enough and deserving to feel happiness.
Then I went to college and it all changed. For five years of my life, all of my goals were centered toward graduating college and beginning the greatest journalism career in modern history. None of my goals revolved anything less than that greed. (I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with trying to be the best in your career field, but when you put everyone else at stake for your own personal gain, that’s definitely where the line has to be drawn.) I probably could count all the times I went to church on one hand. Instead of finding excuses to go to church, I found a million of excuses not to go. We all make those: “I’m too tired,” “I worked a lot this week and need rest,” “…but the game’s on,” “I went last week, so I’m good for awhile.” Those are just a fraction of a whole list of ways we cheat ourselves out of going to church. When I started college, it didn’t help that I’m usually pretty coy around new faces, and used that as an excuse too. There was one person that invited me to church, maybe one or two others, but in general, I usually didn’t go. I was 2,000 miles away from home and free to make my own decisions. I realized I used to go to church because my family dragged me there, not because I wanted to go. I wasn’t connected because I wasn’t interested when I was there and often spent time doodling on the weekly service programs because I was bored. I also hadn’t really experienced the downfalls of life to realize the true difference between feeling miserable and feeling joy. There were several times throughout college that I told myself I needed to go back to church, but instead of making the effort right away, I kept telling myself “I’ll go next week” and then forgot.
Not going to church eventually turned into a slippery slope of actions I’m still certainly not proud of. I broke many of the guidelines set by the Church, but also many of the moral goals I once believed in. Avenues were opened for me to change or to make the right decisions and I turned them all down. I was Mormon by baptism, but felt like I was no longer a member. I put myself in all the situations that caused me to fail spiritually. But the worst was becoming addicted to worldly ideals that were drowning my personality. I became stubborn, cynical and selfish. Setbacks on my own goals left me with no hope for anything anymore. I felt like a lost cause.
The day I graduated college was one of the greatest moments of my life, but even that feeling died before that day ended. My happiness was a moment-to-moment occurrence, not a daily one. While everyone I knew was moving on with life, settling down, working, and starting families or careers, I was a wreck. I was jealous that I was so behind the lead pack. Most of all, I wanted peace and happiness. I was struggling to adapt to many of the sudden changes in my life.
I needed to change.
When I moved back in with my parents in late August of this year, I had already made the decision I’d quit my woes and go back to church. This time it had meaning. I was broken and that first Sunday home was the first step to being repaired. I focused on the talks in sacrament and came there with an open mind and heart. I began to take church seriously. I started to pray and read scriptures with real intent. I asked for His forgiveness and slowly but surely started to find peace. There was no quick fix and it wasn’t sudden, but it slowly came. However, it wasn’t until October that things really progressed. At the same time I was trying hard to make amends in my life, I had a friend miles away that kept reminding me of all the blessings I had. It was the same friend that would sometimes invite me to church on Sundays while in college. And when I decided to go back to church, that friend was there to cheer me on. It can be hard to make big decisions on your own and it was rewarding to have support (which is a side lesson for those inviting people to church or wondering what it’s like for someone struggling). That friend challenged me to read the scriptures daily. I did, and almost every night I felt like I had done enough and would be OK missing one day, I’d come across a scripture that answered a question burning in my mind. The same happens almost every Sunday when I decide to skip watching the football game and go to church. You could call it a coincidence, but when it reoccurs constantly, I keep feeling it is something more.
One particular day I was looking for an answer to a continual problem I had and that friend without knowing my issue or my plight talked about 3 Nephi 18, based on instinct I suppose. I flipped to it and found 3 Nephi 18:15 instantly, which states, “Verily, verily I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always, lest ye be tempted by the devil, and ye be led away captive by him.” Nobody could have known those were the words I was looking for at that moment. For those struggling with addiction, this is the verse I would encourage you to take to heart. Never forget to pray.
It has been a couple of months now since I really started to take my religious beliefs seriously. I feel a truth in the LDS church that isn’t forced upon me by anyone physical in my life, but in my heart. I felt compelled to write about my story because I know I’m not alone. My story, though unique to me in ways, may be similar to what you’re dealing with. You may be struggling to make ends meet, dealing with a sudden loss in your family, unemployed, stuck in a dead end job, or even struggling to pay off loans. You may be in a much better state, seeking for that one thing you’re missing. You may be like me and make that an excuse to skip church or even to disobey the message of Christ. I’ve gone through both sides of the spectrum and never felt happier than I have since I made the decision to go to church and put the Lord ahead of my own desires. I know several people that will mock me for these beliefs because it has happened before, but I finally felt at peace with the world and with myself when I decided to seek the Lord. As cheesy as it sounds, there is a difference, and no mockery of my beliefs can shake that feeling. I’m glad there is still revelation. I’m glad there is redemption. I’m glad that I made the choices I’ve made to change. I’m not sure what the future will bring me, but I feel at peace for the first time in my life.
2014 is chance you have to make a new start. It’s usually the time we make resolutions to better ourselves. But instead of waiting for tomorrow like I did for awhile, if you have the urge to go back to church or repent or deal with whatever is on your mind, ask yourself, “why not now?” Breaking bad habits is hard, but He will help you and you certainly are not alone. You may feel foolish taking your first steps while everyone you see is farther along than you, but we all had to make those first steps and nobody is perfect. You might feel like others are pointing and laughing at your decision to side with the Lord, but those people are only a weight trying to bring you down and you don’t need those people.
I will likely not meet many of the people that choose to read this, but I hope my story will give you perspective that you are not alone. The healing process takes time and if you are patient with the Lord and open your heart to Him, you will find a peace that surpasses anything. There are some aspects we cannot change about ourselves, but we do have the ability to choose to follow the Lord and choose to follow his wisdom and church.
-Carter
“Most people in trouble end up crying, 'What was I thinking?' Well, whatever they were thinking, they weren’t thinking of Christ. Yet, as members of His Church, we pledge every Sunday of our lives to take upon ourselves His name and promise to 'always remember him.' So let us work a little harder at remembering Him — especially that He has 'borne our grief, and carried our sorrows … , [that] he was bruised for our iniquities … ; and with his stripes we are healed.' Surely it would guide our actions in a dramatic way if we remembered that every time we transgress, we hurt not only those we love, but we also hurt Him, who so dearly loves us. But if we do sin, however serious that sin may be, we can be rescued by that same majestic figure, He who bears the only name given under heaven whereby any man or woman can be saved." -- Jeffrey R. Holland
2 comments:
thanks for sharing
Carter, I loved reading your story and want you to know that I am so proud of you!
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