fragile life.

Tuesday morning, I woke to a text from a dear friend. The text notified me of the passing of an 18-year-old boy I had the privilege to meet in Riverhead, New York. I served in Riverhead for the first nine months of my mission. A memory came flooding to my mind — it was my first night as a missionary in my new area of Riverhead. We were living in a home next to the church and our branch president stopped to welcome me. I remember feeling comfortable and excited to get to know the members and the area, and grateful for such a welcoming branch president.

I would get to know him — and his family — quite well over the course of those six transfers spent there, in that place that would become my home.

Shortly before leaving to my second area, their youngest son, Tristin, was often sick and exhausted. A few weeks into my new area, I heard he had been diagnosed with leukemia. It was a shock to me — how could someone so young (then 16) have to face a life-threatening disease?

That was December 2013.

In October 2014, I returned back to Utah and had last heard that he was doing better and that his cancer was in remission. It was quite a shock to get the text saying he'd passed away Monday, July 27.

At work, I sat at my desk, dumbfounded as I thought about life. Life is so fragile. I've heard that phrase a million times, but this time, I actually felt it. Tristin was just a boy. I grieved for his parents and for his siblings. For the loss they are now facing. For the sadness and heartache. Even though I believe we will see each other again, the grief is still there. The pain is still deep and undoubtedly unbearable at the present time.

I thought of the miracle that I am 24 and relatively healthy. How blessed am I to have this gift of life?

This song came on as I was contemplating all of this and some of it stuck out to me (also, it's a beautiful song).

"We've got seven days
till we say goodbye.
Back to separate ways,
I'll miss you more this time.
We don't need to know
The future isn't ours.
One more day for you to hold me
Cause I don't know
When I'll see you again." 

My dear friends, life really is a gift. A beautiful, beautiful gift. And to my dear friends, the Krueger family, thank you for the love you have shared with so many.  For reaching out and helping those around you. I pray you can be comforted to feel the love from those around you and from our Heavenly Father. I do know you'll see Tristin again.

Make good things happen.

“Make good things happen. Be someone who is going somewhere.”

I’ve been home for 7 months now (from the greatest mission in the world ;)) My coworker and I were talking the other day how you transition from counting days you’ve been home to weeks you’ve been home to transfers you’ve been home … then it becomes months, and eventually, years.

The time has gone incredibly fast! As I face the first summer back, I really AM excited for all the unknown (there seems to be a lot of that right now!). Yesterday in church, we read a talk that was pretty perfect for my life. Yesterday afternoon, I decided to do one of the tips mentioned to “make my young adult years productive” which was making a 1-,3- and 5-year plan. It reminded me of making “visions, goals, and plans” on the mission (we did this at the start of every transfer, each Thursday for every investigator/recent convert/member we were teaching, and countless other times).

And, because I want to be accountable to someone else (even if it’s unidentifiable blog readers), I thought I’d share some of my 1-year plans with you:

Educational goals:  Start grad school fall 2016. This means I have to ...apply to grad school (which also means I have to, you know, pick something to study!). This idea has been floating in my mind since, well, 2012? As my mission neared its end, people would ask my future plans. I told them, “Oh, go to grad school…” but didn’t have a set plan as to where or what I would study. Coming home, I assumed I’d continue with communication. I came home, bought a GRE-prep book, and began studying. But, I didn’t feel satisfied in a communication grad program. I loved my undergrad studies of communication, but is that what I wanted to do for another 2 years of school? As I thought about it, I realized perhaps it was time for some stretching. I have always been fascinated with nutrition; I began looking at nutrition programs. Most of them require prerequisites, of which I don’t have (being a comm major) so … I have two options:

1. I can take required pre-reqs from either a university or community college.If going with this route, I wouldn’t start grad school until a later time, depending on how many classes I’d need to take first.
2. I looked for similar programs that don’t require pre-reqs. I found one at th U called “health promotion & education.” You know, I’m not sure what that entails, but I’m going to look into it cause it sounds interesting and along the same lines.

Applying to grad school also means really tackling my GRE-prep book and actually taking the test. Here’s to a summer of that!

Along with educational pursuits, I’ve set a few spiritual goals. This includes: continuing weekly temple attendance, visiting all completed Utah temples within the year 2015 (I only have Vernal, Draper, Payson, and Monticello to go), becoming a temple worker, and completing more family history work.

I’ve set a few more personal goals for my 1-year plan and I’m excited to see how those turn out. But, I really do think there is something to be said for actually making a plan. It’s not enough to just say we’re going to do something. We have to DO the work. It’s not just thinking; but being actively engaged in our goals that will help us achieve them.

be all there.

I haven’t sat down to write anything since, well, being home. I think of how writing was such a passion for me. It’s what I did every single day. I had dreams of being a journalist -- capturing the latest breaking news and broadcasting it for all to see. And now, here I am. Five months after coming home from New York, I am really writing for the first time.

And it hits me. How sad. How terribly, terribly sad. How did I let such a passion slip away? Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the choices we make and where they take us. I know there are many doors to choose from -- to take us in any direction, really. But, which doors am I opening? Which doors am I shutting? I don’t want to let this passion, this love of writing, become a closed door. So, I am writing. And it might turn out to be a mess! But, here goes.

Guess what? Here has what been on my mind lately: making decisions is hard! But, it is especially hard for me, an indecisive person (so indecisive, mind you, that I literally asked a friend last week, “Am I indecisive?”). When I came home, there were so many choices facing me head on -- do I move back to Cedar City to attend grad school at SUU? Do I even apply to grad school? What about BYU? Or the University of Utah? Should I look out of state? Boston? What would I study, if I were to apply? Should I continue with studying communication? Is there a way to study nutrition instead? How many courses would I have to “make up” to fit the pre-reqs for a nutrition program? Should I apply at KSL? Should I move to Salt Lake? Should I move to Provo? Apply at the MTC? Work at Kohl’s part-time? Live in Spanish Fork? Travel the country? Move back to NY and become a nanny? Apply for a job at the church? Move to Vegas? Work at Zupas? These were all legitimate thoughts in my mind.

Eventually, things began to fall into place (as they usually do, which means I should worry less and trust more!). In December, the day after I fasted for some answers regarding where I should be living and what I should be doing with my life, I was visiting my brother’s family in Florida and received two phone calls. Two companies wanted to set up job interviews with me. One was scheduled for when I returned; the other was set for Skype that week. Two days after my Skype interview, I was offered a job working for the Publishing Services Department for the LDS Church.

My first thought was, “Well, it looks like I’ll be moving downtown!” I was excited about that idea. I began perusing KSL ads, Craigslist, and soliciting help from local friends and family. But, as I started working at the end of December, I began going to the singles ward at home. And guess what? It just sort of “fit.” (And that surprised me quite a bit!) I had always, always been hesitant about going to my “home singles ward” but, all of the sudden it felt like where I “needed” to be at that point. As I looked at various apartments near work, nothing seemed to click. And so, here I am, living at home, and feeling like it is where I am supposed to be -- at least for a little while.

Basically, life has a funny way of working out. If you would have told me three years ago that after graduating from SUU I would go on a mission, I would have laughed. But if you would have added -- “And after your mission, you’re going to live in Roy, work in Salt Lake, and actually enjoy it,” I wouldn’t have believed it. It has been an adjustment for me, especially after being on my own for about 5.5 years. But, again, life works out. It just does.

And I’m very grateful for that.

So, here's to the future, to opening up new doors, and seeing what's behind them.