"I'm not sure exactly how or when it happened, but when I was 12 years old, I found myself gripped in the addiction of pornography. The adversary was -- and is -- working double time to ruin the lives of all people on earth. Unfortunately, it wasn't until four years later when I realized exactly what it was I had gotten into. I had always heard the general authorities talk about the dangers of "pornography" but I had no idea this big word they were talking about was what had trapped me.
I thought that since the form I was partaking of was “more conservative” that it wasn't what the general authorities were talking about. Then again, I wasn't really listening to them much. I continued going to church -- not because I wanted to but because I had family in my ward and I knew they would get worried if I didn't come. I didn't want to disappoint my parents. But I would use any excuse I had to miss church (many times feigning illnesses). I kept going to church and acting as if I was a perfect little "Mormon" girl. All the while, I was keeping my addiction very, very secret and very, very hidden. I could see my testimony slowly withering and honestly didn't care. I could feel the difference between me and other youth. They knew doctrine and scriptures ... I could maybe tell you where to find 1 or 2 Nephi.
I lived this way for six-and-a-half years, keeping my withering spirit hidden, and putting on a happy face to hide it from family and friends. When I was 17, about to be 18, I had a humbling experience that made me want to change. My grandfather, one of the kindest, gentlest, most Christlike men I have ever met, was diagnosed with cancer. He went through test and surgeries, all to no avail. The cancer had progressed too far and there was no way he was going to survive the next year. I had the blessed opportunity to receive my patriarchal blessing from him and two months later on Christmas Eve, he passed away. His death struck me very hard. I could see how my mother was grieving, I felt guilty for what I was doing, I felt as if my loving grandfather was watching over me, and would weep for me when he would see me indulge in my addiction. But I was so deep into the addiction that there was no way to stop. For about six months that guilt worked on my heart and mind.
I will forever remember the day my life completely changed; I had been invited by my best friend to attend her stake girls’camp. This girl had been my friend through everything though she didn't know about my addiction. At the camp, we had no access to computers, cell phones, music – it was just us and nature. The first day at camp, we had a meeting, began talking about the armor of God and the fiery darts of the adversary. A young woman began speaking about a trial she had with an eating disorder and how she was able to overcome it. While she was speaking, the Spirit was speaking to me, telling me I could make it; I could stop my addiction, I had to trust in the Lord.
It was at this time the camp song was introduced to us. I am a musically inclined person so this song spoke to me in a way nothing else could.
The photos in the magazine don't dictate who I'm supposed to be.
The world can't recognize all that I am inside, but I know in his eyes I am a part of a bigger picture.
There's so much more to me, he helps me see that I have so much to offer -- I am HIS daughter.
He loves me the way I am, he's my strength when I stand, he is my king and my father.
I am HIS daughter.
The people on the tv screens, The leaders, rulers and queens.
I watch them shape the world, and though I'm just a girl, I still know for sure
That I am a part of a bigger picture.
There's so much more to me, he helps me see that I have so much to offer I am HIS daughter.
He loves me the way I am, he's my strength when I stand, he is my king and my father.
I am HIS daughter.
And when I'm feeling small, And wonder if I'll ever,
I'll find courage to stand tall,
Through his love I'll remember.
There's so much more to me, he helps me see that I have so much to offer I am HIS daughter.
He loves me the way I am, he's my strength when I stand, he is my king and my father.
I am HIS daughter.
When the song finished they told us to take a small package of papers and find a secluded part of the camp to ponder and pray. I took my package to a rock near a small stream, and poured my heart out in the most heartfelt prayer. That day, under the powerful influence of the spirit, I gained a testimony of the Atonement and how Christ paid for EVERYTHING.
There is NOTHING He can not do for us. I made a decision that day to never again view pornography. And here I stand, 18 months later, holding strong to that resolution. I made the decision to begin reading the Book of Mormon or others scriptures and praying everyday, and I haven't missed a day. Four months after my resolution, the age change for missionaries was announced. I could see the hand of the Lord preparing me to be able to leave as soon as the change was announced. If they had announced it any sooner, I wouldn't have been worthy, and any later, I may not have had the opportunity. I've seen the blessings of the Lord and am so grateful for everything He has done for me.
Some days are still hard. The battle with pornography is an ongoing mental challenge, but I know the Lord is my rock; He is my salvation and the song of my soul. I love Him and am so grateful for His redeeming sacrifice for me, a little country girl from the middle-of-nowhere Idaho. I can honestly say, I KNOW that my Redeemer lives; I know He loves us. And now I am here in New York, proclaiming to the world as a missionary, what I know and how it will bless them. I know my Savior is here with me and is helping me everyday to get through challenges of daily life. Not all conversion is as instant as mine; most takes years to grow and develop. Now I know I am on the road to perfection, the path to peace, and the way to my Father in Heaven.
There are many thing that lead us away from the gospel of Jesus Christ; there are also things that lead us TO the gospel. I hope you learn from my experience and know that it's NEVER too late to turn to Christ and accept His atonement in your life.
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