it's gonna get personal.

here's a little break from the norm. time to delve into some personal stuff...

it's about a boy.

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Ok, if you know me, you know that I always like many guys. I'm a big flirt, and I like to date around. But the past spring, everything changed. I met a guy, who was not like any guy I'd met before. He treated me differently, said things differently, and when I was with him, I didn't even notice any other guy. Now, that was quite different for me because I was always a big flirt, you see? So, to not even care about other guys...what a jump!

Me and this boy met in an unusual way, which just made things more exciting to me. We started talking, and eventually hanging out. Then dating. And we had so much fun together, and both liked each other. So, one day he pointed out to me that we were "dating" ... I'd never been in a relationship before. It scared me, but also made me happy. Although when people asked, I had a hard time saying the word "boyfriend". Anyway, that's just a little side-note. We continued going on fun dates and doing spontaneous things. Then, he asked me to his last dance. I was ecstatic (as you can imagine). I'd really wanted to dance with this boy. And the dance was outside..under the stars?? Romantic! The dance was one of the most fun I'd ever been to.

Things got a little crazy after that...we had finals, and the last weeks of school were flying by. Graduation was soon approaching. Now, I'll add real quick that people would always give me this look when they found out we were going to the same school in the fall. They would assume I was going there for him, but to be honest, I didn't even know him when I had decided to go there. And I'd always say, "I don't even know if we'll be dating in the fall...we still have the whole summer."

Well, I guess I always sort of have a knack for what's to come. I knew before Becky told us that she was going on a mission. There have been other instances too. Well, after graduation, things changed. And I knew it. No matter what my friends told me, I had a gut feeling about what was going on. I wanted to talk to him and see what was going on, but I thought I knew, and I wanted to post-pone it at the same time.

Finally, I couldn't handle it anymore. I had to know or else I was going to go crazy. Let's just say that my first week of summer was not too great. And unfortunately, people could tell something was going on. My co-workers asked me if I was having a bad day, what was going on, etc. I tried to play it off, but I knew that my face was denying the happiness I was feigning to have.

Sorry, I didn't intend on writing a novel. This is more like a journal entry than a blog post, and you get to see the real, raw me right now.

Ok, so back to the story. I finally had a little chat with him. And everything he said, I had felt this past week. He didn't want to be serious this summer, he didn't want to go to college with a girlfriend in tow, he didn't want to limit himself, he still had a mission in a year...etc. Seriously, just like I knew Becky was going on a mission, I knew that the above statements are what had changed between us. It was still very hard to hear it, but I feel like the Lord prepared me to hear it so it wasn't a huge shock.

Now, I know you probably all think I'm being so overdramatic. It's just a boy. But like I said, this was the first relationship I'd been in, so I had no clue what to expect. And, another thing that clued me in on what was going on is that I have done this before. It's not that me and a guy were dating, but I'd think things were starting to get serious, and so I'd just not talk to them. And I saw the signs when he started doing that with me. I'd hoped I was wrong, but something told me I wasn't.

The hard part is that, unlike most girls, I can't just say "I hate you. Don't ever talk to me again." And I don't wish I could. While it hurts that things are going to be different, and I have to accept that, I think it would hurt more to never talk to him again. He is still a great guy, and even though this is a tough thing to admit, I think he's smart. It's hard now to call it quits, but it would be much harder if we kept dating through college and then he'd have a mission you know? I wish it would've lasted just a little longer though...I had fun thoughts about having a summer romance. But, once again, it's better now than later I suppose.

It's still confusing to me...why the sudden change and all that. But, I can't dwell on that. It's also hard because so many things remind me of him. I'm sure you're all rolling your eyes about this...but this is the first time I've been through this, so I guess this is part of the healing process. Another sidenote- do you want to know something slightly depressing? I didn't cry at my own graduation, but I've shed countless tears about this. I cried throughout the week, and last night I cried a lot. Oh, and this morning. Man, what a girl I am!!

At least now I don't have to worry about what's happening, but now I have to figure out how to get over it. Oh, and one more confusing thing. I DO still want to be his friend (as stated previously). That'd suck if I lost his friendship. I guess I just have to give it time. At least I know he still wants to be my friend too. I'll just have to see how things are in person.

Anyway, if any of you have read this whole thing, I apologize! I didn't intend to write so much, but writing always helps me. It's been good to vent.

If you can offer any good advice (or something to make me smile), I'd love to hear it!

-{cheri}